Devin Toole, "Coronavirus Pandemic."
Coronavirus Pandemic
Devin Toole1
The Coronavirus Pandemic has had a huge impact globally in such a short period of time. This will continue to affect our country once the panic subsides, shelves are shocked, and the infected numbers decrease. I am struggling to comprehend and put into words our new reality, this an unknown territory for every United States citizen. Each of our lives have been uprooted.
I want to share how this has affected my life personally. Four weeks ago, I was a full-time college student, a single mom, and working two jobs. My daily life was already extremely difficult or so I thought before this Pandemic. I can recall hearing about the Coronavirus for the first time and the thoughts I had in that moment. I was sitting in my Political Science class on campus and the professor had mentioned it being in China and how it was affecting their country. At this point I had seen post on all social media platforms and as terrible as it sounds, I felt like it was being blown out of proportion. I was empathetic towards the situation that China was dealing with, but it never occurred to me that I could be affected.
The week of March 16th, 2020 was the first major shift in my life. My full-time job was at Timberline Homes as an office Manager. The beginning of that Monday was just like any other Monday for me. Until my boss sat in my office and said “I have bad news. I have to lay you off”. I am humiliated by my reaction. I laughed! I was an employee there for a year I did not think he was being serious. Well he was, he told me “You can ride the clock until 5 P.M or clean out your desk now”. I kept my composure, collected my things, and left. The moment I shut my car door I lost it. I was bawling my eyes out and my mind was racing with questions. How will I provide for my daughter? Why was I the one he laid off? How will I afford my bills? I felt like a failure. I could not allow myself to have the break down too long. Within two days, I applied for unemployment and reached out to my previous employer at First Light Home Care as a Caregiver. My application for unemployment was successful but I would only be receiving $146/weekly. I was also hired back on, but I would be getting half the pay and double the work from my job at Timberline. My monthly bills are a little over $2,000. These were not complete solutions because my new income would not cover half of my monthly bills. In this same week, the college I am attending went to online courses only. This affected me because I wanted some sort of normalcy to my old routine. I did not know how this would affect my degree plan. This was one more thing to add to the list of my stressors. By the end of this week, I was a nervous wreck and I was terrified of what was to come.
On 03/23/2020 I took my daughter to daycare and not even two hours later I received a phone call to come pick her up. The daycare was forced to close under Alabama’s newest laws regarding the Coronavirus. Now I was stressing about who was going to watch her because I had three 12 hour shifts back to back starting that day. I do not have any family in this area, and I could not afford to stay home with her. Thankfully, Brooklyn’s babysitter has been a huge help. That night I had my first twelve hour shift back on the job; it went well besides my stomach bothering me. For several days it had been feeling uncomfortable. When my shift ended, I went and bought some pregnancy test, positive, all of them. I went through every emotion imaginable in about three hours.
03/24/2020 I had my second shift at Extendicare, the last place I wanted to be was work. That day was odd from the start, the nurses seemed all on edge. My patient was not in the best mood. One of the nurses came in my room and told me to turn on the news at a certain time but that she could not discuss any more than that with me. I felt a pit in my stomach, and it seemed like I instantly knew what was going to be on the news. Well I was right, one of our patients had tested positive for COVID-19 and two other patients’ results were pending. I was disappointed that every worker in the facility knew before me and either could not or would not tell me. I called the office I work for and asked what this meant for me. I was off the schedule and should quarantine myself from my daughter. When my shift was over that night I sat in my car and did not leave the parking lot for two hours. I was trying to process everything I had gone through in a matter of days. I was hoping I could make sense of it. Nothing made sense anymore.
03/25/2020 I was quarantined in my home, without my daughter, for who knows how long. I decided I needed to make a doctor’s appointment with my OBGYN to figure out what this would mean for the baby and to determine how far along I was. I called them that morning and one of the first questions I was asked was “Have you been exposed to the virus?” I was honest, I did not want to potentially affect someone’s health. I was then told they could not see me. I was on the phone with them for thirty minutes pleading with them to see me, it did not help. I spent the rest of the afternoon calling other OBGYN offices, same thing, refused to seem because of my exposure to the virus. On this day I was mostly angry, I did not understand how they could refuse to see me, it is their job.
03/26/2020 When I woke up, I had a sharp pain in my stomach. I was not bleeding but I decided I would give my OBGYN a call again. They told me the same thing from the day before. I refused to take that as an answer, I demanded they see me. The nurse spoke with the doctor and I was called back in an hour and was told they would need proof of pregnancy before any thing else could be done. They told me to head that way for a test. As soon as I pulled in there was a nurse waiting outside for me. I was given a mask and as she was taking my information down, I sneezed, big mistake. This nurse literally ran away from me. She was now like twenty feet from and asked if I had any symptoms since being exposed. I said “No, I just had to sneeze”. I am assuming she saw that my feelings were hurt and apologized. I was then directed to a side door which led to a bathroom to take a pregnancy test, positive again. The nurse said the doctor would call me later that day and then I left. I did not even make it three miles away before I had to pull over because I was in so much pain. I called them back and explained my situation. I was told to go home and drink three bottles of water and rest. So, that is what I did. That afternoon I started bleeding. I knew what was happening. I woke up around 2:30 that morning bleeding, hurting, I called my doctors emergency hotline. He said I was more than likely having a miscarriage, no need to come in.
03/27/2020 I woke up. I passed the baby. I was still bleeding heavily. I felt so tired all day. I just kept sleeping on and off the first part of the day. When I got up around 2 P.M I told myself I did not need to sleep anymore. I walked to the kitchen to get something to drink. I felt like I could barely hold myself up and the room was spinning. I made it to the couch but could not grip the water bottle. I kept telling myself what my doctor told me, “it will pass”. I laid down on the couch, I could not sit up, I was about to pass out. I did not feel right about passing out, it did not feel like I just needed sleep. I called my doctor and was nodding in and out trying to explain to him and he told me to rush to the hospital. I had no one to drive me to the hospital. I told myself it is only fifteen minute you can do it. The first five minutes I was leaning over my steering wheel passing out. I knew I could not risk wrecking and hurting someone. I started singing as loud as I could to keep myself awake. I made it to the hospital, walked to the door, there was a man there I told him I was having a miscarriage. He asked if I had been exposed to the Coronavirus, I shook my head saying yes. Then I passed out, not for long. I woke up on a stretcher being taken to my room. I was thinking I am going to die. I did not get to tell my daughter goodbye. No one is going to know I died because I did not have any emergency contact. Then they checked my vitals; my blood pressure was extremely high, but my oxygen levels were low. I was given an oxygen mask and fluids. It took four different nurses blowing out six veins to get an IV in me. They did an ultrasound, ran multiple test, warned me I may need a blood transfusion. I am assuming it was hours later, I fell asleep. My doctor came in he confirmed the miscarriage, told me my vitals were stable now, and discharged me. I was on the wing with the 3 other patients who were exposed or had the coronavirus. As I am leaving there was a patient’s door open and it was a truly scary site. The doctor was in a complete hazmat suit. The patient was on the bed with what looked like a clear plastic box over his head, you could tell he was struggling to breathe. That was a lot to take in and this was our new reality. The parking lot was empty, I sat in my car for a while. I did not want to go home and deal with this alone, but I did.
03/28/2020-03/31/2020 I am still under quarantine. My spirit is broken. I was blaming the nurse for the miscarriage. If only she would have seen me this could have been prevented. I was feeling hatred for my boss at Timberline Homes. How could he do this to me knowing I was a single mom? I depended on that job and he knew that. I was upset at my landlord because I told him my situation, but he expected the rent in full when it was due. The only thing I wanted I could not have. I just wanted to hold my daughter, but I had to settle for FaceTime calls which could not fill the void. At this point I just could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was holding grudges and hatred in my heart. I turned to God and he told me I did not have room in my heart for that. I felt the urge to pray for the nurses/doctors, previous boss, and landlord. Being religious is the only thing that has held me together. I know God would not put more on me than I can handle. This is all a part of his plan for me.
04/01/2020-04/10/2020 I have not had the time, or my brain has not allowed me to process everything that has taken place in my life in a matter of weeks. I am going through the motions, but I do not feel present. I was not scheduled this week, so any time they called me I took advantage of it. Sixteen hours is what I finished out the week with. I still have my landlord and car company asking me for payments. I understand that money is how the world operates and that this is affecting everyone financially. You would just think there would be some compassion and there is none of that. I am trying to make myself stay on top of schoolwork. I am taking four classes and we are near the end of the semester, so it is very important that I do. I just feel brain dead. I have not left the house other than work and drive-thru runs. Thankfully, I stock up for the month when I do go to the store. If I had to pick a highlight of this week, I would say spending time with my daughter. In my previous schedule we had like two hours a day together, not near enough. I have been taken advantage of that this week and as pathetic as it sounds, I feel like I am finally getting know her.
04/11/2020 Today was decent. I slept until like 3 P.M, probably a mix of catching up on sleep and feeling brain dead. I had a family that raised me are still a big part of my life and are my family. We always do Easter at my God Mother’s house and we were still planning to do that. When I did wake up, I knew I had to run and get a few groceries because I volunteered to make a few dishes. I was not going to Walmart because I was not dealing with the crowd. I went to a local grocery store up the road from my house. I had to wear my scrubs because I had work at 7P.M, big mistake. During the grocery store visit I was given the foulest looks and people were avoiding me at all cost. You never know how people will react until something like this happens. I am truly disgusted with the reactions, impulse, and panic that the citizens in our country have displayed. While at the store I got the idea to get my grandma some flowers and ice cream. She is the only family I have in this area; she is also my best friend. Distancing myself from her has been difficult but her health is more important to me. After I left the store I drove to her house and still had an hour before work. I set the stuff on her back porch and called her phone to tell her to go outside. She was really surprised but you could tell it had made her whole week. I sat in the yard and we stayed on the phone and talked until I had to leave for work.
04/12/2020 Easter was a bit different this year, it was for everyone. It would have been different for my family regardless of the pandemic. My family includes my Godmother, Mama Bear (grandma), Uncle, and his children. We were missing someone this Easter, my Papa Bear. He passed away in January, just a few months before. My Papa Bear had held us together. He was the one always pushing for family dinners and spending holidays as a family. He had the worst jokes, but you could not help but laugh because his was so contagious. Every Easter he would tell the story of Jesus being resurrected, that story was not told this year. We did share stories of him, and we did enjoy ourselves, but we all felt his presence missing.
04/13/2020 This morning I woke up to a message from my friend telling to check my bank account because she had gotten her Stimulus Check. The Stimulus Check is check that was sent by the U.S government to help boost the economy. I checked my account and it was pending for the 15th. I was relieved because this would allow me to get caught up on my bills from being laid off and my new job that did not cover the cost of my bills. I decided I would pay my rent and car payment. Those are my biggest bills and the ones who have been harassing me the most about paying them. Shortly after Brooklyn woke up, we made breakfast together and spent the rest of the afternoon outside before I had to go into work at 7 P.M.
04/14/2020 I had worked a twelve-hour shift and did not get off work until 7 A.M. It did not take me any time to pass out after getting home. I had attempted to make a schedule with Brooklyn’s Godmother now that my work/sleep schedule had been uprooted. This schedule would give me four hours to sleep before picking Brooklyn up. That has not played out well because most days I sleep past that. I am trying my best to be fair to her seeing as how she is doing me a huge favor, but I do not know how I could maintain working, school, and parenting on four hours of sleep. I got Brooklyn late that afternoon and spent the rest of the day lounging around the house.
04/15/2020- Brooklyn woke up earlier than her usual and we spent our day like any other day meals, playroom, outside, nap time. I do not have work until Friday, so I am taking advantage of relaxing. Not that I get to catch up on sleep B thinks she has enough energy for the both of us.
04/16/2020- Brooklyn and I had our normal routine today. We did have to go to CVS so that I could fill my prescription. I am prescribed Vyvanse. I pull up to the window and the lady tells me that I no longer have insurance I did see this coming because I had been laid off. I asked her how much my medicine would cost me now. I was paying $50-$60 beforehand. She told me $273 and that would be with a discount card. I pay for it because I must have my medication, but I know I could not afford this monthly. I will not have insurance with this new job for three months so I was racking my brain on what this would mean for me next month. I called my doctor and explained the situation with the nurse who answered. She was extremely rude, but I did not get frustrated with her because I understand this is a stressful time for all of us. We set up an appointment for May 5th so that we can consider other medication options that would be more affordable. I am worried and stressed because I had already tried different medications before being prescribed Vyvanse. That was exhausting mentally and physically. The symptoms I experienced and the fact that you are manipulating the chemicals in your brain. This instance made me realize how important it is we have affordable Health Care. I thought of the people who need daily medication and it being a life or death situation. I could not imagine being in that position and worrying about my life because I cannot afford my medication.
04/17/2020 Brooklyn and I spent most of the day together. When her Godmother was off from work, she came and picked her up so that I could get ready for work. Starting today I will be working twelve hour shifts three days in a row. The godmother and I decided it was best she kept Brooklyn so that we were not passing her back and forth the entire weekend. Tonight, was a rough night with my patient. It was not all bad, it was her Birthday and we talked some she is not much of a talker, ate some cupcakes, and watched T.V together. Once she did go to sleep it seemed like every 30 minutes her oxygen levels were dropping, and I had to adjust her breathing machine.
04/18/2020 I was thankful when my shift ended at 7 A.M. I thought I would pass out as soon as I made it home, but it took me about two hours to wind down and go to sleep. I woke up around 3 P.M. and I had some errands I needed to run before going back into work. I had to pay my Water Bill and check the post office because I had not done that any time recently. Both places are right next to each other, so I walk over to pay my Water Bill first and they have the door locked with a note that stated you had to call to make a payment. I went to get my phone out the car and then made my payment. I walked over to the post office side and there was a line of about three people. Which was odd because Pinckard is a small town and I had not seen that before but then I noticed the sign on the door that said only one person was allowed in the building at a time. I had finally gotten inside got my mail and sat in my car to open it all up. Much of the mail I had was medical bills. I had not even thought about my insurance being cancelled that quickly to affect me going to the doctor and the hospital a week after being laid off. In total I had collected about $2,000-$3,000 worth of medical bills. I was even charged for the “Doctor’s Appointment,” that was held via phone. This was just one more thing I had to stress about. How could I afford another bill when I can not even afford the bills I have now? Then the thought if I do not pay them well there goes my credit score that I had been working on.
04/19/2020-04/20/2020 I got off work on Sunday at 7 A.M on Monday morning. Brooklyn’s godmother brought B to me at 7:30 and we had made plans with a friend of mine to come over and do brunch. Brooklyn and I played outside until my friend showed up at 11 A.M probably should have had started cooking beforehand because “brunch,” turned into lunch. I fed B before we ate and then laid her down for a nap so that my friend and I could catch up. It was a pretty day and the weather was nice, so we ate outside and caught each other up on how life had been for us. As you could imagine her life had changed too. She is also unemployed now like the majority and I helped her apply for unemployment because she was having trouble. We reminisced on activities that we missed and had taken for granted. She missed going shopping and to the beach, of course. She was saying how she wanted everything to open back up and I did not voice this but part of me is glad it has not. We live in an extremely fast paced society where we are always “busy, too busy”. We complain we want a break and wish to spend time with family or whatever excuse we make but we are the ones making ourselves busy. Our “busy” consist of nail/hair salons, shopping trips, and things that do not amount to anything. Most Americans are upset because we have been forced to quit moving, I understand that feeling as well. With that being said, I think this is the most time we have spent time with our family, made home cooked meals, helped our children with school work, checked in on our grandparents, picked up our bible, and hobbies that we put down because we were “too busy”. I hope when life goes back to our new normal, we will bring these things with us.
04/21/2020-04/22/2020 I am starting to give out. I worked these two 12-hour shifts clocked out at 7 A.M and then had my daughter by 8 A.M. In total I had three hours of sleep between these days and I can feel it. I called my boss Wednesday when I got off and told her I would not be able to go to work on Thursday. I made the excuse about the weather coming in but, I just did not have it in me. I have never been so exhausted in my life trying to juggle stress, school, and these hours. My medicine schedule is also messed up because I have not been taking it in the mornings when I get off hoping I will able to sleep. I have missed a few days which can cause me to get depressed. It is hard for me to describe how I am feeling but I simply can not function. I can barely hold a conversation or have the energy to make any expression. I have been feeling like a failure as a mother because I have been easily irritable and do not have the energy to play. I am here but I do not feel present.
05/08/2020 It has been awhile since my most recent daily log and this will be my final one. My Political Science instructor had given me this assignment after reaching out to her about my job loss. She used the term “diary.” I will be honest, it not only caught me by surprise, but I was terrified. This teacher I had not known long wanted to know about my personal life and made this exception for me. I was questioning, why me? What makes me so important? The terrified emotion came from the thought of being vulnerable and sharing my personal experiences. I will never forget this assignment or my instructor. It was not the pandemic that changed my life it only affected it temporarily. This assignment allowed me to process my emotions, reflect on my reactions, and what I could learn from it. My instructor encouraged me every step of the way. She does not realize the impact she left on me through her motivational quotes, Christian songs, and her own life experience. She helped me answer those questions I was beating myself up over. Why me? What makes me so important? Simple. “We all get two hands and access to INFINITE LOVE-and with that we MAKE our lives.” One of Mrs. Normans quotes that I will reminisce on in the moments I question myself.
This pandemic caused a lot of heartbreak. We as a nation experienced the passing of a family member, sickness in a friend, and financial loss. In that heartbreak we the people worked together as a country, it was not for a political stance or gain. We saw our healthcare workers breaking down but never quitting. We witnessed parents become teachers. We donated, we prayed, and we were strong. There were more home cooked meals, memories with family, and contact with our loved ones. We as Americans have been consumed in our fast-paced lifestyle that we make excuses of being “too busy.” This forced us to slow down and make time for things that were once seen as an inconvenience. The love and compassion outweighed the heartbreak and I hope that we bring this mindset with us to our new normal, which we are on our way to.
1 ". . . I was born in Marianna, FL, on October 24th, 1998. I was raised in a household by a single mother who was addicted to drugs. I decided early on that was not the life I wanted for myself. I began the process of becoming emancipated shortly after turning sixteen and was officially emancipated the following fall. I received my GED in 2016. In September of 2017 I gave birth to my daughter Brooklyn. My daughter and I moved to Alabama in the summer of 2018 and that following spring I began my Associate’s Degree at Wallace Community College. I plan to graduate from Wallace in 2021. Then attend Troy University for my bachelor’s degree in Political Science, with the intentions of seeking a Law Degree." Toole Biography, June 2, 2020.